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Every year my relatives give me a hard time about being vegan as soon as I show up to our Christmas Dinner. Do you have any advice for how I can avoid the inevitable debates and arguments? - Christine

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Dear Christine,

I'm sorry that your family treats you so poorly during your holiday meal. Here is how I learned to handle rude relatives during celebrations.

Be a Buddha
My husband told me the story of the Buddha, who was constantly harrassed and verbally assaulted by this man. But he never seemed phazed. When the man asked the Buddha why his words weren't upsetting the Buddha, the Buddha replied, "If someone gives you a gift and you refuse to accept it, to whom does the gift belong?" Imagine if someone handed you a gift but you never reached out and took it from their outstretched hand. Eventually they would be forced to take it back.

When people in my family used to chide or ridicule me for being vegan I took it very personally and would start debating each of their "points" or take great offense at their comments. But that just served to fuel the fire and made me very uncomfortable. Instead I learned to be a Buddha. For example:

They say: Jeez, Erin, because of you we can't put croutons in the salad. Why do you have to be so difficult?

I reply: That is an awesome-looking salad. I can't wait to have some. Would you like me to finish making it for you?

They say: So, you're still sticking to this vegan nonsense, eh? What's the big deal? Have some turkey. It won't kill you.

I reply: I heard you got a promotion at work. Congratulations! I know you've been working really hard lately.

Let their comments glide away into the air. Let them keep their gift.

Confront them openly
Another way I learned to handle the verbal abuse was to hold up a mirror and reflect their words back to them. For example:

They say: Erin, could you pass the turkey? Oh no wait, I forgot, you're vegan and can't even touch the plate.

I reply: That was sort of a snide comment wasn't it?

They say: You always make our meals so difficult. Why should we have to make separate things just for you?

I reply: It sounds like you are really uncomfortable with the fact that I'm vegan. Is that right?

They say: Being vegan is really stupid. I can't believe you really think it's a healthier way to live. And don't even talk to me about compassion for animals. They were made to be eaten.

I reply: What you just said really hurt my feelings. Was that your intention?

And my favorite is to simply stare back at them in total silence and not turn away until they break eye contact. This works so well it's amazing. If someone makes a snide comment or remark, just stare back at them. I did this once and there was a total silence at the table. Everyone just sat there waiting for me to make a comment. When I didn't, someone else at the table said, "That was rude what you just said to her. Lay off." And the offending relative actually apologized to me in front of everyone.

Choose not to attend
In severe cases, if your family is really harrassing, you can choose not to attend the party. Why go someplace where people are so disrespectful to you? Or, show up in the beginning but leave before the meal. If they ask why you aren't coming, you could say, "I don't appreciate being verbally and emotionally abused by my family members. You either accept me as I am or I am not comfortable sharing my holiday with you."

Give them time
My family has grown used to my lifestyle and they don't make rude comments to me anymore. Give your family time to get used to your being vegan. If after several years they still don't seem to get it, you may want to consider hosting your own holiday events and inviting your close friends and associates who respect your lifestyle. Don't let people treat you poorly for being vegan. You should be proud, not defensive.

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