Crazy man!!!

[beth]

OK, this is a complicated situation, and I don't really know where to begin, but I am in desperate need of some advice.

Here's some background info. My sister has a 7 year old son with Asperger's, an autism spectrum disorder. His father (omnivore) is in denial about his disorder and is very unsupportive in general (it's very possible that he has it himself). He is also extremely opposed to my sister's veganism, and the fact that she is feeding her son the same diet. My sister puts no pressure on her son and he knows that no matter what he decides, she will love and accept him, but he can only eat healthy vegan food at home. His dad gets him every Sunday, and every week, he feeds him nothing but meat, junk, and gross flavored milk. She hasn't done anything to stop this, cause what can she do?

Jeremy (her son) seems very conflicted about the meat issue, one minute saying how he wants to stop everyone from killing animals, the next begging my sister to buy him meat. He says things like, "Don't tell daddy I want to be vegan." So, anyway, his dad recently told him that he wants to take him fishing and hunting, so he can "learn to kill his own food, in case he ever gets stuck by himself in the wild" (?) and Jeremy said he didn't want to. The problem is, his dad has a lot of influence over him, and Jeremy wants to please him. My sister is very afraid that if he takes him hunting or fishing, it could affect Jeremy very seriously. He can't handle things like other kids can.

I don't know what she can say to Jeremy. She already told him that if he doesn't want to go, then he doesn't have to, but his dad puts a lot of pressure on him. Does anyone have any advice at all about how she can handle this situation?

[Ckflew]

What a tough situation. My cousin's oldest is Autistic, but at least she had a lot of support from her husband and family.

First, I think your sister is doing a pretty good job with him - letting him choose what foods he wants to eat, but setting the boundaries at home. As I understand it, routine is very important for people with autism. If he knows the rules at home and you stick with them at home, I think it will pay off in the long run.

I do wish his father would be more supportive - even if he served healthy omni meals when he has Jeremy, that would be better.

Children want to know that they are loved by their parents - and that's probably what is tearing Jeremy up. He wants his father's love and approval and is feeling pressure to think that only by going hunting and fishing can he gain it. That's a lot of pressure to put a child under, in my opinion.

What if your sister suggested that she thinks it would be better to wait for a few years to take Jeremy hunting? Maybe when he's 10 or 12 he'll be in a better place to make those decisions himself, and in a better place to deal with the violence if he does decide to go. I really think 7 is too young to understand all the safety precautions and rules that go with hunting - unless he's been around that his entire life.

So, even being as supportive as she can be of an omni lifestyle, your sister could bring up some additional concerns about (1) Jeremy not needing to earn either parent's love, and (2) Jeremy not being quite old enough to deal with the issues (safety and gore) that come with hunting.

Colleen

[PikkuMyy]

As someone working with children on the autism spectrum, I think this might be an issue to discuss with a laywer. Although Asperger's is obviously different from classic autism, I could see you making a case for not teaching a child with a mental disability how to shoot.

(I'm sure that there are people with Asperger's out there who can shoot and I wouldn't automatically say that people with such a disability shouldn't be allowed to do it, but sincee you don't want him to anyway...)

Anway, I think you should approach it from that angle, and not the food angle. That if he knows how to shoot, he may end up in a situation that he isn't able to mentally handle and could get hurt or hurt others.

[mabelkitty]

My 18-year-old sister has Asperger's (misdiagnosed for years as ADD). One thing about her that I discovered was caused by the Asperger's (upon reading about it) is her general lack of empathy. So at least your nephew cares at times about the lives of animals!

Another thing to consider: most Asperger kids are not as mature as their peer group. Perhaps when they are under age 10, as your nephew is, it is different; but my sister acts more like she is 15 than 18 -- she only started caring about personal hygiene (showering daily and combing her hair/brushing her teeth before school) when she was a sophomore in high school and was obsessed with Pokemon toys and collector cards long after most girls her age had moved on to more grown-up interests (such as, wearing make-up and being interested in/having crushes on boys). It's kind of hard to explain, I guess, but I only have the experience of watching my sister grow up and seeing her lack of sophistication with her present-day peers that makes me wonder if your nephew is emotionally younger than 7, and thus even less capable of handling a hunting trip. I'm sure there are folks here, like PikkuMyy, who know more about Asperger's kids than I do. Just wanted to give you my thoughts. I feel sorry for your nephew, whose father seems selfish and is using his son to get to your sister. Shame on him!

[beth]

Well, it's been a while, and the hunting/fishing talk seems to have died down. My guess is that he is trying to get a rise out of her. She still hasn't decided what to do if he brings it up again, but I think she should talk to a lawyer anyway. I really don't think he is responsible enough to handle a child, especially a child like Jeremy.

mabelkitty, your sister sounds a lot like my nephew. He still acts, in many ways, like a toddler. He collects everything. He never wants us to throw anything away. His room would be full of trash and leaves if my sister let him. I really hate that he's so conflicted because of his dad.

Thanks for the advice!