meat eating boyfriend

[RachaelUK]

I have been a vegetarian for the last six years. I became a vegetarian after really thinking about where the meat I was eating at the time really came from. Needless to say, I quickly stopped eating meat.
Even though I didn't eat meat it never bothered me that my boyfriends did, well, until recently. I never knew about the slaughterhouses and dairy farms conditions until last week. I always assumed they were humane. Geeze, was I wrong. I went to PETA and watched their little "Meet Your Meat" video. I cried through the whole thing. I sent it to my meat eating boyfriend for him to watch. Here is the problem, he watched it and came home from work with a burger from McDonalds. I have vowed to became vegan and immediately stopped eating dairy products while he didn't even give a second thought to it. I'm not the type to force my opinions on anyone but I can't seem to keep my mouth shut about this matter. We have been together for two years now and have lived together for a year. Would it be wrong of me to leave him for being a meat eater even though he has been from the beginning?
Thanks for letting me rant!

[Emily]

No, it would not be wrong of you to leave him for that reason. Don't think of it as leaving him because he eats meat, think of it as you've changed and you are leaving him because your beliefs and morals are no longer compatible.

I'm not saying you should leave him, only you know what's best but if you choose to please don't feel it's wrong.

Emily

[Erin Pavlina]

I agree with Emily. Same reasoning. I once left a boyfriend because he was adamant that he never wanted kids. I did. I just asked myself, "How long should we go out when we don't have compatible goals?"

Also ask yourself this, "What if I leave this guy and find a nice vegan guy to date and marry?" Imagine what life would be like married to someone who shared your beliefs. Believe me, it's nice not to have to argue about whether to feed our child meat or dairy products.

Don't try to change him though. You can lead by example, but you won't change him unless he wants to be changed.

[yemenmocha]

I would like to kindly disagree.

I came home to my wife one day and told her I had made the decision to become vegan and eventually it worked out. (her intiial resonse was a skeptical "oh sure you are" with a large smile).

Just showing someone a video is not enough for an ultimatum in a relationship that you deeply care about. I recommend talking it through, on several occasions, covering all of the relevant reasons for your decision. And more important, see what his reasons are for continuing to eat meat and see if he might think those through a bit further. Some people are more stubborn in their beliefs that others, and self-reflection can take time. If after awhile it is obvious that your loved one really has thought this through and isn't open to changing, then and only then should you move on.

[RachaelUK]

Here is his side of the story. He says there are laws out there to protect the animals while in a slaughterhouse and it is not his fault they are not followed. Animals are meant to be food and he has no problem with them being raised for such matters. He said if we were ever to have children they can be raised vegan but he is not going to stop eating meat. He agreed to only buy organic meat from companies who treat their animals right but I have to research them. (The only place I know of is Trader Joe's. I just read that they stopped selling duck because of a problem with the way the ducks were treated at the slaughterhouse. I have no clue where to research humane slaughterhouses - if that makes any kind of sense - a humane slaughterhouse?!?!) He will not stop going to fast food restaurants. He respects my decision so I should respect his. That is true, but I can't, his decision makes me feel sick. We both saw what happens in those slaughterhouses and he is just making up excuses for it. He also said those video's and pictures aren't always true. They just show us what they want us to see - that sends me mad when he says that!!!

[Erin Pavlina]

He is certainly entitled to his opinion. However, here is what will probably happen. He says he is okay raising the kids vegan. He might mean that now. But as the kids pass the age of 2 they are going to start wanting to eat what he is eating. If he eats meat in front of the kids, you are going to be hard pressed to prevent the kids from eating it. Then as they get older they are going to wonder why it's okay for daddy to eat meat while it's not okay for them.

It's a tough road. I interviewed dozens of parents for my book who are in a mixed marriage, and there is constant argument in the homes where kids are getting mixed messages.

In the homes where the non-vegan partner has agreed not to EVER eat meat or dairy in front of the kids, it's working out okay.

See if he would agree to abstain from eating meat or dairy products around the children. If not, then you would have a major problem on your hands later.

I'm not saying you should dump him. I'm saying that if you two get married and have kids, expect them to eat what he eats. Decide if you can live with that.

[yemenmocha]

About his reasons.

1. Ask him, in a hypothetical manner, if he could be shown that animals are usually treated in those poor ways despite the laws, whether that would affect his beliefs. If it wouldn't, then it seems as though he really won't budge because he would be admitting that he is willing to knowingly support those practices.

2. About the "not his fault" point - that there are laws and he's not breaking them - that's fairly easy to respond to. None of us would use that excuse in other contexts. If we know that a company is engaging in some immoral practice, whether it's legal or not, we can consciously choose to support that business or not. I don't go into Old Navy and just tell myself it's not my fault this company exploits workers to get those nice low prices. I choose to endorse their practices with my money or I refrain from doing so.

3. What basis is there for thinking that "animals are meant to be food." By what criteria does he base that judgement?

4. In the end, I'm not sure that people who do see the slaughterhouse videos/images and have been exposed to good arguments for vegetarianism are going to ever change. There are a lot of people who will just openly say that they know what happens, that they're indirectly supporting it, and they're not going to stop. If this seems to capture his position then it doesn't seem like he'll change.

Good luck with your situation.
Aaron