Need advice regarding a mother who insists that veg babies are being deprived.....

[frenchie]

of proper nutrition. I'm 8 1/2 months pregnant, and have been a vegetarian for 8 years. I was vegan for about 1 1/2 years, then I married a meat eater who loves cheese, and cheese was a weakness for me. At any rate, my husband has great confidence in me, and understands my convictions regarding vegetarianism. We have agreed together to raise our son a vegetarian. My husband only eats meat on occassion when we go out, and has agreed to not eat meat in front of our son, as to not cause any confusion.
The problem is, my Mother thinks that I'm incapeable of raising a healthy child because of my vegetarianism. She told my father that she will feed him whatever SHE wants to while my son is in her care. I have educated her over and over about my way of life/eating, so she's not totally uneducated about vegetarianism. My son has been a vegetarian in utero, and will be when he's brought into this world. I don't know how to approach this issue with her. We don't get along very well. I know it will be a while before my baby is on solids, but I feel this problem needs to be solved *now*. Any advice would be helpful!

[Erin Pavlina]

I have found that education only works when people have an open mind. It sounds to me like she does not respect your views on how to raise your son. Here's my advice:

1. Make sure your husband is vocally supportive of the decision to raise a vegetarian child. If he leaves all the "defending" up to you, you're going to have a hard time.

2. Your mother is not your child's mother. She has no right to go against your beliefs and values and wishes by giving your son meat. If she does, treat it as though she gave him heroin, crack, or an ounce of vodka. Do not leave your son alone with him.

3. Tell your mother in no uncertain terms that you and your husband will raise your son vegetarian and although you would like their support you neither require nor need it. Tell her that if she wants to spend any time with her grandchild alone, she will need to respect these beliefs. Tell her she is not required to accept your decision, but nor are you then required to leave your son in her care. Leave the choice up to her.

4. Do not try to convince her that you can raise a healthy child. She will not hear anything you say. Save your breath. If she brings it up you can say, "There's nothing I can say that will make you understand that a vegetarian child is healthier than an omnivorous one. Frankly, I don't care whether you agree with my decision or not. If you're interested in learning how vegetarian children are healthier than those who eat meat, I can give you some literature to read. If you're not interested in learning more about this, then I'll ask that you kindly drop the subject since you will not be able to convince me that feeding my child meat is in his best interest." Write this to her if you have to so she won't interrupt.

But the bottom line is this... do not let this woman, or any other person undercut your authority when it comes to how you raise your child. Be sure you know exactly what to feed your child and his good health will be the proof she needs that he is not suffering ill health.

And when people tell me I'm depriving my daughter of so much, I say, "Yes, I'm depriving her of heart attack, cancer, stroke, diabetes, and obesity." That usually shuts them up.

[5xblessed]

I agree with everything Erin said. You can not change others! I simply would never leave her in care of my child. This baby belongs to you and your husband. She has raised her children. If it continues to be an issue I simply would not discuss it with her. If she insists on bringing it up, firmly but politely change the subject. If that doesn't work I would quite frankly probably curtail my visits. I'll be praying for you. Good Luck and Congrats!
Lisa

[Teejay]

I agree with the others here, and especially with what Erin said about not letting others undercut your authority as parent.

Think of it this way: if it were any other issue than veg*anism, it would be very clear to anyone that this is a question of respect. Substitute some other principle ("I will dress your child in a way you don't approve of; I will teach them language you don't like; I will give them alcohol" -- or whatever) and you can immediately see that the problem is in the family dynamic there (your mother not trusting you or respecting you enough to acknowledge you as a capable parent) rather than in the diet question. I know that sometimes I have been made by (distant) family members to feel defensive when the issue was not really about diet at all, but about their "right" to make comments on my choices (they probably disapprove of a lot of other things about me too! but diet is the one where they know they are in a safe majority!) and perhaps they just feel uncomfortable about their own authority and capability.

I really recommend a book by Carol J Adams, "Living with Meat-Eaters: A Vegetarian Survival Guide" as it has a lot of insight into how not to be defending oneself all the time. You deserve support and encouragement, not undermining.

[frenchie]

Thank you so much for all of the supportive advice! I realize that this is an issue of respect, rather than an issue of diet. Like I was telling my husband though, she can disrespect me all she wants, but if she thinks she can USE my son as a pawn, she has another thing coming. I think she see's him as an oppurtunity to gain control of something in my life, and I won't allow it! Somebody told me that I need to decide how important of a battle this is to pick. "Is it really THAT BIG of a deal if your mother feeds him meat once or twice a week?" It was herd to keep my composure with that comment, but I politely said, "Would it be OK with you, if your mother gave your children a glass of Vodka and a cigarette once or twice a week?" She gave ma a silly look, and I expressed to her that my convictions are strong. She didn't say much after that....LOL! People don't realize that the way we live is a lifestyle, not a trendy fad we follow. At any rate, I feel much more confident with myself, and realize that it will be a while before my child even eats solids. He is going to be exclusively breastfed, and plan on introducing solids in the 6-8 month range, and allowing him to wean naturally. The natural weaning is going to be a battle in itself!! I really look forward to that.....educating my family on the facts of breastmilk....My mother says I think I know everything, I just like to say I'm educated! I'm greatful I found this website, and have informed some friends of it as well! Thanks for the great advice! Angie

[Erin Pavlina]

Angie, one good thing to say when she says, 'You think you know everything' is to say, "Did you ask your mother or mother-in-law for advice when you were raising your children?" Or something to that effect. It seems to me that each generation has their issues. Nowadays people are getting back to breastfeeding. My own mother once said, "Why bother breastfeeding. It takes so much energy." And I just said, "In your day, formula feeding was the norm. But breastfeeding is the norm now."

[Lucy S]

I completely agree with everything that has been said already. I have an (almost) 11 month old that has been vegan since conception, so to speak. I've had the breastfeeding concerns (ah... "how long are you going to breastfeed her?") and of course the vegan concerns. My father-in-law thinks it is lots of fun to crack very unfunny "jokes"/sarcastic comments about veganism around me, my husband (vegan) and brother-in-law (vegan). I had a dream the other night that I was telling him off after he had made another one of his remarks around Abby (our baby). I told him that as long as he was going to make such disrespectful, mean-spirited remarks, I was not going to allow him to see Abby and that he shouldn't think that I wouldn't follow through on my threats. And that I would keep her away from anyone that refused to show her (or me) the respect we deserve to have our own beliefs. Hmm... think I'm mentally preparing for the day. I know it is coming.

Good luck. Stick to you beliefs and if you are not comfortable leaving your son with her - don't. Try to find supportive professionals if you can, i.e. your son's doctor, so when he is healthy and growing just the way he should, you have that "expert" opinion to back up your arguments.

[clumsycat]

hi frenchie,

first of all, congratulations!!! i hope your delivery goes well.

i'm a mom to a 13 month old vegan girl. i was a lacto-ovo vegetarian for 5 years and during my pregnancy, and became vegan shortly after my baby was born. the ENTIRE time i was pregnant, my mother did the exact same thing as yours. she had never really objected to my vegetarian lifestyle before i was pregnant, but when i told her i planned to raise my baby without meat, dairy, or any other animal products, she told me that was a form of child abuse, and that she would feed the baby meat when she babysat. i argued with her repeatedly, i cried, i even thought about moving to another state! she was so adamant, though i showed her articles and studies. it was a great source of stress for me. i began to wonder if i WAS being cruel. well, after my baby was born, and more than tripled her birthweight in the first three months on vegan breastmilk, my mom said less about it. when my daughter started solids at 9 months, my mother again expressed concern, but she was more accepting. now she sees how well my dd is doing, and though she still thinks she should eat meat, my mom loves me and my daughter enough to respect our lifestyle and choices. your mom may seem like the bad guy right now, but she only wants what she thinks is best for her grandson. once she sees how well he is doing without meat, she may back off. i completely trust my mom with my daughter when they take her out to eat. (okay, i still grill them about what she ate, but they've always respected my wishes.) but don't worry about that right now. i wasted so much time worrying about this issue. just concentrate on that bundle of newness that will be joining your family. my bet is, your mom will change her tune.

remember to eat well for your baby! good luck and i'm so glad you're raising your child to be compassionate!!!!:D

[frenchie]

Wow! Thanks so much! I needed to hear a story like that. There are definately much deeper seeded issues attached to the comments my mother has made, but I have realized that the issue that concerns me most will not come up until I introduce solids into his diet. In the mean time, I'm sure she will see the irresponsability of her comment (crossing fingers) I was actually talking to my Grandma last night about this issue, and my Granny attempted to educate me on how dangerous a vegetarian diet can be........needless to say I politely cut her off, and gave her some education. She laughed when she realized that she had no idea what she was talking about.....LOL! I explained to her that my baby is doing fine, I have had no complications, and my doctor has no concerns regarding his development, or my health. I have been a vegetarian through this whole pregnancy, and will continue throughout the rest of my life.
It's hard, as I'm sure most vegetarians/vegans already know, to live in a country driven by the meat and dairy industry. We constantly have to explain ourselves, and it gets so frustrating. It's hard enough to raise a child, and even harder when family isn't on your side. We have so much to protect our children from, and I find it sad that we have to protect them from the people we are supposed to count on for support....FAMILY. I'm just greatful that there are such great resources as this web site, to refer to for support and solid information.

[sophie]

Hi Frenchie!
I just wanted to agree with Clumsycat. When I was pregnant with my first child, my own parents were fine about the veganism thing, and always have been. But my partner's parents were really disapproving, I think they thought I was going to keel over and die during the actual pregnancy. When they saw I was very healthy and had excellent blood results they seemed a bit reassured, but although they didn't say a lot, they were concerned about the baby. Well, once he was born he was just so obviously healthy and vibrant and content, and he thrived amazingly, putting on pound a week for some time. When we went up to visit Al's parents when Jasper was 6 weeks (luckily we live far from his folks), they were astounded when they saw how huge he was, and how blooming with vitality! It was very satisfying. Also, Jasper reached his milestones very early, he was stringing words together at the age of 18 months, and now at 6 years he has a reading age of 12. We also have a 3 and a half year old who is also very healthy (although she wasn't huge like her brother) and happy and talented. I'm 7 months preg with number 3 and no-one has even mentioned the vegan diet this time. So, I agree that the vegan diet will prove itself, when your MIL sees your baby is doing well, she will have no choice but to accept your veganism. I wish you the best of luck!
-Sophie