Non-vegan spouses/partners

[vegmom2]

From what i've read, it appears everyone who is with someone that is not vegan, is getting along just fine...i have a hard time with my husband not supporting this 100% Sure i don't allow meat in the house but still buy him milk, cheese and butter. The kids see it and want it and are getting mixed signals...we were at a pizza place when my husband almost gave my boy a spoon of dead cow lasagna!!! I had to grab the spoon and my poor boy looked shocked and i had tears and was just exasperated!!! He said he wasn't thinking...He has been great in the house with the no meat thing but i can't take these incidents--there was a bacon incident at xmas as well with the mother in law and i look like the evil one--having no parents and his parents against this 100% and him only kinda in it because when i went this way a year ago and he thought i lost it, i mentioned the D word and he started giving in. This is like a religion to me now and is not funny. Sometimes i seriously wonder if we will make it...i also wanted to put a no junk mail sign on the mailbox--well did put it--but he made me take it off as he wants to read the advertisements--and i would love to give up tv but he won't have that either...the more i learn, the further apart we are getting and with 2 small children and wanting the flexibilty of homeschooling i don't want to leave on my own but sometimes....i have Waldorf friend who is vegetarian yet her boy and hubby still eat meat and it doesn't bother her--am i just too bossy?? expecting too much?? no one else knows of this problem as my omnivore friends would not BEGIN to understand my side. Any thoughts/comments appreciated.

[alexis]

boy, that sounds like a hard thing, i'm 17 and with a guy who until a week ago was a hard core meat eater, and i'm pretty sure this is the guy who i will end up with the rest of my life.
I think the first thing is to confront all the issues you have...like you know, you should think over why you want to do thing the way you want to and the reasons for it. If you think it's a good valid reason, why not but if the reasons not really THAT valid, well maybe some compromise is needed..somehow i think mentioning the D word was a little uncalled for...it's like threatening him into giving in and he's probably unhappy with that...and you should DEFINITELY talk to your huband...and come up with something...and i think if you start respecting his lifestyle, then he might be inclined to show you some respect too...i dunno about your kid, but i guess you can work it out....good luck, i'm sure it'll work out in the end...:)

[Queenie]

My husband eats meat when we go out (which isn't often), sometimes has cheese in the house, and almost always has mayonnaise in the refrigerator. I actually make tuna sandwiches for him to take to work a few mornings a week. As far as other meals are concerned, he eats what I make and loves it. I've seen him giving bites of cheese to our baby (who I am trying to raise vegan). Honestly it hasn't made me crazy, because they're his kids too, and I know when they have a choice they will probably choose not to eat meat. (It's a natural choice for a child who knows what meat is, in my opinion anyway.)

Honestly, I don't make an issue of it because I want to stay with him. It isn't one of my huge things. There are other things I would make "life or death" statements over but this isn't one of them. He can't help not feeling the way I do, that's just how he feels. When you think of it, most people are omnis and we are in the minority.

If you switched over to veg*n after being married for some time, it's not like he even knew what he was getting into when he made "the promises". (I was already vegetarian moving toward vegan, and had two life-long vegetarian kids, when I got married.) My kids have all tasted meat and I used to serve cheese, butter etc. but they are hanging in there and have the same convictions I do anyway. I would try to accept him as he is just as you deserve to have him accept you.

Especially if he "behaves" at home, I don't think a few mistakes are worth being upset about. It would be nice if he would support you with your/his parents but maybe that's going to come later. A year is a pretty short time in the big scheme of things, chances are he'll get used to it.

Sorry to write a book here! :) Hope I'm making sense - and I hope it gets easier for both of you (and your little ones).

[vegmom2]

thank you for the comments!!! I usually am understanding but it is hard at times when i feel it is me against the whole world..less every other vegan/veg*n i don't yet know. I guess the fact that he has been completely supportive once he heard my views--it did take almost 3 wks. of arguments as he would not even listen to what i had to say--i don't want to hear it (it being what really happens to animals) he would repeatedly say and i was crushed--thats when i said how imp. it was that the children never eat meat and we work on the other stuff. So all in all he has been good its just that i struggle with everyone else and when i have to struggle with him i just want to give up and ask myself why do i bother--why do i get punished for trying to be compassionate--why am i the wierdo/minority/concerned one etc. Its not easy taking a stand on something and having no one to say good job but rather where do you get your calcium, aren't you worried your children will be malnurished/short etc. It just gets to be too much sometimes--esp. PMS times i guess and i just can't handle all my earth friendly goals that go completely against mainstream society. Thanks again for your comments and letting me rant--its nice to know others care:) :) :)

[Blinky]

Vegmom2,
I agree with the others that if you ease up a bit on your husband, hopefully he will find it easier to understand your views. Then he might see it as HIS choice, not yours. Hopefully, that's all it will take with a bit of time. Maybe if he sees you as reasonable and understanding, it will be easier for him .
My husband was a meat-eater when I was vegetarian. I cooked meat for him and my 2 kids all the time. After being married about 5 years, he decided he not only wanted to go vegetarian, but vegan. Now we're both vegan. I hope it all works out for you.

I have to tell you though, I can sure sympathize with you. You must feel so isolated and angry at times. It gets frustrating for me too with my extended family (mom, brother, sisters) and my husband IS vegan, so I can only imagine how you must feel. In fact, I'm getting a lump in my throat just thinking about it :)

Hang in there! Thanks goodness we can come here and vent, huh?

[vegmom2]

Thank you Blinky!!! I was always told i was a bit 'bossy' so perhaps i am and all your views show that i need to ease off. He is an awesome dad and everything else so i shouldn't focus on his negatives--like you said, with time he may come around as he already is starting to say compassionate things about animals so i am wearing off:) You can't change an alcoholic overnight so why would i expect it different for a meateater... Peace, Shelley

[molly]

vegmom, I almost thought you were me when I read this, except I don't have the kids just yet! I don't necessarily think you're being bossy by asking your husband to support what is best for yourself & the kids. I guess it all depends on how things are said, rather than what you say maybe. ? I was sure I couldn't possibly marry a meat-eater, but I was very wrong. For our first date, though, he found a vegan recipe so he could cook us dinner, & since he's such a good cook he kept making different vegan meals so I'd keep coming back, & a couple years later we were married.... Since I married him as a meat-eater I can't expect him to stop, & we do have horrible things in the fridge (kept separate from my stuff & as out of sight as possible to avoid contamination &/or making the wife cry!), but I won't buy it for him. He shops for himself. We agreed already (again, we have not conceived yet) that I of course will remain vegan & any children of mine will be vegan. Fortunately for him, he agreed to it;I have to say that if he backs out of that I am pretty sure I will present the D word to him. We have had so many long tearful discussions over these things that I won't let it all be for nothing.

Obviously I won't know what's going to happen b/c the kids don't exist yet, but I will explain to our children that different people see things different ways, etc., but daddy's not a bad person just b/c he eats meat (otherwise mommy wouldn't have married him). I kind of look at it like religion sometimes. Christian & Jewish people make families work in spite of significant differences in belief, & I suspect their children benefit from it, become more open-minded. My husband admits that animals are treated horribly (but won't listen to or read just how horribly) & admits that he chooses not to think about it. He sometimes throws in the excuses that people have eaten meat for thousands of years, etc, etc. but those silly arguments don't work too well with me. He seems a little uncomfortable when I remind him of all the nasty stuff that goes into cow milk these days, but he doesn't stop drinking it because he loves it. He's stubborn.

I think my veganism is one of the things he loves about me most, strangely, because he is amazed that I can be such a gentle loving person. So he at least doesn't try to change me. I don't badger him constantly about what he eats b/c it will just ruin our marriage, but I do let a carefully chosen comment slip in once in a while, just to remind him & force him to think about it. I don't want him to forget why I am "this way" because he will have to understand why his children will be. I question fairly often whether our marriage will work in the long run, but I have to take it day by day. We are 2 decent people & it would be a shame to lose each other, that's what I remind myself.

In your case, as for the no-TV thing, etc., maybe you can compromise a little, & see how it goes. He would probably feel like the rug was pulled out from under him if he was forced to change his whole lifestyle all of a sudden; that's understandable. But maybe you 2 could figure out something together, like to have a TV-free week every month, something like that, or maybe decide on certain days there will or won't be any TV. If he feels like he has some control over the decision, he's more likely to go along with it, at least gradually. My husband & I have a TV & both agree that we don't want to have it on when the kids are around. I think we'll get a piece of furniture with doors to cover it up so it's not really there unless we want it to be once in a while. (I'm not perfect; I think TV-free is ideal, but I know I'm not going to give it up entirely.)

You are not alone in the marital troubles though. It's confusing for me & I'm sure it'll be a thousand times more confusing from the moment we find out I'm pregnant. I'm so glad I found some people who understand! Yikes, sorry this got to be so long!

[vegmom2]

Don't apologize for the long post!! and thank you for sharing as it helps me alot:) I too see it as a religion and you are right that differences can be beneficial and to explain it to children that we just see things differently but this is what we do and this is what daddy does--the lasagna thing was terrifying though--i just don't want my boys to eat meat until they are old enough and feel, if they ever do, that they need to eat it. I of course will allow them to do as they see fit hoping that prior to then the morals and values i give them will have sunk in and they simply won't want to...you are all such a wonderful bunch!!! thank you so much for your support as i really have no one else to talk to and just needed to vent:) Peace, Shelley

[alexis]

isn't it so weird that we have to be treated like weirdos? I went out with an ex-classmate one day and i hapopened to tell her i'm vegan...she went on toe tell me about this vegetarian friend we have and how she eats SOO much junk food to 'compensate' for the 'lack of taste' that she experiences...i was kind of weirded out...i mean why make it sound like we're being deprived? and she harped about my being underweight and how being vegan is so not going to help...i was like, 'HUH??!'
and weirder things have happened, my meat eater boyfriend decided that he COULD live without meat after all, i don't want to think it's all my harping getting to him but he finally realized and he even asked for vegan bacon...HAR HAR HAR! maybe it's the prospect of his national service in two years time catching up with him and the fact that he has high blood pressure but well, who cares? It just shows...miracles DO happen....:D

[vegmom2]

Alexis,
i actually have never eaten such a wide variety of tasty foods!!! and people have said i am losing too much weight and it must therefore be what i am eating--i am a healthy 134lbs for 5'7" and could be even less for petes sake!! in fact my favorite food are the rice rolls with spicy thai peanut sauce--yum!! and good for your boyfriend--amazing things can happen all the time:)

[alexis]

well, i CAN agree with you...you'll never believe the huge variety of food we have here, think, Malay, indian, chinese thai and almost any ethenicity you can think of and quite alot of them can be modified to be vegan...so i doubt that anyone can be 'deprived' of taste...actually it's the funniest thing i've ever heard of...
You don't sound underweight to me...i'm like, barely 5'2" and can't keep my weight up to 80 pounds on good days...so i guess my friend must have had her concerns...well....PEOPLE! :D

[reb_granger]

CONGRATS, alexis!! I hope your bf will in time become a committed vegetarian!!

Shelley, I'm sorry you've had to face so many challenges in staying true to your beliefs. I do assure you, though, that you're not alone. Quite a few of us have been made to feel like extremist crackpots at one point or another, and perhaps the only way to break loose from this image is to prove that you're exactly the obverse. I know I have no right to preach at you - heck, I *still* find it hard to smile and be cheerful while my dinner partner chomps on a dead animal - but honestly, I do feel that gentle tolerance is the way to go. Getting angry to the point of using the 'd' word will only serve to reinforce the stereotype that vegans place animals over and above everything else.

Anger is natural; it's even more natural when we are equipped with the knowledge of the horrors of animal suffering. A fellow vegetarian would feel your pain and sympathize. A meat-eater, however, would become confused, angry, defensive, derisive...anything. For all you know, your husband might be feeling nearly the same way as you do - cornered and terribly disappointed that his spouse (suddenly) doesn't approve of his dietary choices. Perhaps a nice, gentle talk with him will help him to better understand your beliefs and convictions, as well as the rationale behind them.

Also, your children may be puzzled when they find that they're not allowed to eat what Daddy eats, so you may find it necessary to be especially honest with them about where their food comes from, and why it shouldn't come from there. Of course, you'll have to do this without demonizing your husband...hehe :D

Oops, I'm sorry if my post came off sounding like a sermon! Jeesh, I think I should try to become a priest or something - this is pure pulpit material!!

Hang in there, Shelley! You're a wonderful person. :)

[alexis]

i don't think you sound like a priest, reb...i like your advice...i think it's something you just sort of learn after being veg for while...

[reb_granger]

Thanks, alexis! :)

[vegmom2]

No you don't sound like a priest!!!:) I appreciate all the great things you all said--it keeps me going. And i have just decided not to expect perfection from him as he really is trying so that alone is something. Peace :)

[alexis]

I'm glad for you that your husband is at least trying hard...sometimes i pity my little sis, she's vegetarian and lives with my parents in Hong Kong and my mom would give her soup that's boild from prok bones or put chicken broth in her soups...my mom' s idea is 'out of sight, out of mind' ugh!
I saw the most disgusting thing yesterday, it was Hari Raya Haji which is the festival when Muslims made their yearly pilgrimmage and part of the tradition is to slaughter a goat as an offering and donation to the poor...and we passed by this mosque and i saw two goats hanging upside down FRESHLY SLAUGHTERED!!! It was so gross i nearly cried and the guys were ooh-ing and ahh-ing away, fascinated...YUCK! ok that was a little out of the topic but i have to get it off me....sorry

[reb_granger]

My fiance was watching the Hindi news, and the people who rear and slaughter the goats in India were featured. I couldn't understand what they were saying, but from my fiance's disgusted mumblings, I inferred that baby goats are supposed to be tastier than adult goats. These people earn the trust of their animals, feed them top-quality food, even give them names, and then slowly slit their throats. Apparently, that's how they kill the animals, using a slow, sawing motion. They even showed the innocent trusting animals responding lovingly to the touch of their 'owners'.

[alexis]

reb, hari raya in india?? Do you mean the muslims in india?? i don't know, it's something about their offering to their God...i think it's like in the old testaments in the bible where they sacrifice an animal for their sins or something...and they're supposed to sacrifice the best of their herd...explains the top quality food and all, though i don't know about the cruel killing methods...must go and ask my friend...

[reb_granger]

It's called 'Eed' in India, if I'm not mistaken. Yup, it's observed by the Muslims in India. I'm not sure why exactly they slaughter the goats, but in all fairness, their intentions are admirable, though the deed may not seem to be so. The meat of the slaughtered animals is distributed among the less fortunate members of society, I believe.

[vegmom2]

that must be hard on your sister Alexis!?! Your mom is not veg. then i take it but how does she feel about you?? and the goat issue, pretty sad indeed, i just recently saw a travel show of--somewhere and it was the same thing--in Africa somewhere--where they take a cow i believe and carry it dancing and singing and then eventually slit its throat alive--all a big party--i think it was a funeral or some other occasion. Poor thing!!

[alexis]

i do pity the goats and cows..but living here i've been taught or conditioned since young to be accepting of other cultures...think moral education classes in school...ick...
No, my mom is not veg and she sure has alot of horror stories about vegetarians for someone who's not supportive of the diet...my sis turned veg bacause her homeroom teacher at her old school showwed them a video of how cows are slaughtered she got too grossed out...and once a week my mom comes up with some chinese food tale of some veg, or fungus or something vegetarians MUST eat to mantain optimum health. Last month it was black fungus...can't wait to see what she has in store the next time my sis e-mails...my mom doesn't say much about me except for my skinniness(?) i told her i'm doing it to stave away any genetic health problems and we sure have alot of them in our family...