co-sleeping -- when to stop and how

[jewels]

It certainly wasn't something I planned on, but it happened.. When I first brought her home the plan was for her to sleep in her beautiful crib fully decorated just for her. I was really tired the first time it happened, I fell asleep nursing in bed. At first I felt so horrible about doing it because up till that point all I had ever read about it was bad, but it just felt so natural, plus I was so swollen from preeclampsia & sore from a c-section it was a nice thought to not have to keep getting up. So I did some research and came to the conclusion I was doing the right thing. I dont roll in my sleep, I'm a very light sleeper & always wake up by any move she makes, so yeah, sure why not. Now she is near 7 months and I am begining to wonder, when should I try to stop? I was thinking maybe 2 because thats about when a child would normally stop sleeping in a crib, but that seems like it would be very difficult waiting so long. How would I make the transition from any age? Even now she wakes screaming from sleeping in her crib. So when & how? Any suggestions?

[Erin Pavlina]

Boy this is a tough question to answer.

We co-slept with Emily for the first 3 months and then she went to the crib. She actually seemed to sleep better in the crib. Who would have thought?

My personal opinion is that the transition gets more difficult the longer you co-sleep. Again, just personal opinion. I am not an expert. So based on my opinion, I would say that if you know you're going to end the co-sleeping at some point, then making the transition at a young age is probably best.

Does she sleep through the night? Does she wake to nurse?

I also know of many people who co-sleep for years and years with no trouble. But I'm definitely one of those people who like time in the bed alone with daddy, and Emily has always slept really well in her crib. I think she likes sleeping alone too.

[jewels]

she does sleep through the night if she sleeps with me, though she does nurse at night but its not like she fully wakes to do that just wiggles and latches on while in some sleep state. If we actually manage to put her in her crib to sleep, she will for up to maybe 4 hours max but in that sleep state I was talking about she screams bloody murder but as soon as she hits my bed she falls asleep w/o the need to nurse or anything she just wants to snuggle with mommy. I couldnt imagine just letting her cry it out it just seems like torture.

[vegma]

Hi Jewels,

Not to scare you, but we're still co-sleeping at 3 1/2 years! We didn't start out this way either, but when he was a tiny baby, I kept falling asleep nursing him in the rocking chair, and I decided the bed was a safer place to be! In any case, he has his own bed and nurses to sleep in it. If I fall asleep too, then I sleep there - if not, and he wakes in the night, he knows where to find me:) Its really a personal choice - good luck!

[Christa]

I thought that the transition actually went better b/c I waited a bit longer to transition my girls into their own beds.

Angelina slept with me until she was about 18 months and then I got her twin bed mattresses and put them on the floor against a wall with a fold away rail on the other side. When she woke up, I went & slept in her bed with her to get her back to sleep. It was a bit of a pain switching back & forth btwn beds at night, but I was pg with #2, & didn't want them both in the bed with me. At about 2, Angelina started sleeping thru the night & I no longer needed to do this.

Tessa was born immediately there after :) (I haven't gotten much sleep in the past few years), when Angelina was 25 months old. Tessa slept with me & then us (my husband lived & worked in CA for the first 2 1/2 yrs while I was living in CO with the kids & going to grad school). He moved out here when Tessa was 4 months old. He eventually got tired of being pushed out of bed by Tessa, so we did the same twin bed thing with her around her 2nd bd.

She is now 2 1/2 & will go to sleep in her own bed alone, but usually wakes up some time early in the morning & comes to bed with us. At least we get the bed alone for part of the night! I did have to lay down with her in her bed to get her to go to sleep for a few months, though.

I would say, that if you are not going to let your baby cry it out to get back to sleep when she wakes at night, you are going to be getting a lot less sleep if you try to move her into a crib at her current age.

[Erin Pavlina]

I read a great book about how important it is for a baby to learn to fall asleep on their own. I know a lot of moms who have to lie in bed with their kids until they fall asleep and then creep out of the room. That's all well and good if you want to do that. But this book I read talked about how kids need to learn to fall asleep on their own for their future good health and good sleeping habits.

Okay, now you're going to ask what the name of the book was and I can't remember. But I think it was by Marc Weisbluth or something like that.

I used to breastfeed Emily and when she fell asleep I'd move her ever so gently to her cradle next to my bed. She would wake up in a different place than she started and she would freak out and cry.

I started putting her in her crib totally awake and she learned how to put herself to sleep. At the age of 7 months she was sleeping through the night from 5:30pm to 7:30am. I was in heaven! And she was still napping too.

Ever since then she has slept through the night. She's a very independent sleeper. She does not require my presence to fall asleep or to get back to sleep when she wakes.

I'm not knockign co-sleeping because I loved snuggling her for the few months we did it. But her sleeping habits are so fantastic that I'm just so glad we made the decision to let her learn to fall asleep on her own at a young age.

Just something to consider.

[sophie]

Hi jewel
We are co-sleeping with our 3rd child (he is 6 weeks old). With our first, who is now 6 years, we decided to get him into his own bed at age 2, as I was expecting our second child a few months after that. I stopped feeding him when he was about 15 months old so that wasn't an issue. But I think if you want to get your child into their own bed then it is much easier if you wean them from night-feeding first, and then wait a bit. When I weaned Jasper off night feeds I just cuddled him when he woke up for a feed. He cried for about an hour and I cried too, it was awful, but at least I was right there with him. And the amazing thing was, he never woke in the night for a feed again and began to sleep right through. When he went into his own bed he helped pick out a new duvet and new pyjamas, and got a new toy to take to bed. He was very excited about being a 'big boy" and actually took to his bed pretty well. If he woke in the night his dad would go and get into bed with him, and eventually he stopped waking. Lily slept with us till the age of 2 and a half. We just got to the point where we wanted a little nighttime space, and we used the same technique as we had with Jasper. She shares a room with him so she was quite into that. I don't know how long we'll co-sleep with Solly, we'll just do it till it stops feeling right for us. Of course even now there are some mornings I'll wake up and all 5 of us will be squashed into the bed like sardines!

[Christa]

Re Erin's post about kids needing to learn to fall asleep on their own: I think that there are a lot of different schools of thought on this. I don't personally agree with that philosophy, although many do.

Angelina, my older daughter, pretty much screamed constantly - she was a really spirited baby & still is. I tried letting her get herself back to sleep when she woke up & she truly would scream for up to 7 hours+ unless I nursed her back to sleep. The neighbors must have thought that I was abusing her! When she was about 5 months old, I went through all of the trying to pat her tummy while she layed in her crib when she had woken up & leaving for a minute or two, etc. She absolutely would not calm down at all & screamed as if I was killing her. After a few days of my trying this, she wouldn't even look at me during the days & turned her face away when I kissed her.

For me, I figured that I would rather get up a lot to comfort her than watch the light in her eyes go out. Obviously, not all babies are as "difficult" as my kiddo, though. It was truly amazing, at age 2, though, she just started sleeping alone fine, going to sleep alone, no problem. She is now the most independent kid. I feel that she had dependency needs that needed to have met as an infant, and b/c I met them then, she has a basis of security & is secure enough to go out into the world.

I guess that it is all a matter of perspective and what feels right to you, but I just wanted to put in my 2 cents on a different perspective. I personally feel that American society puts too great of a focus on independence at a young age. I don't feel that babies are supposed to be independent.

[Christa]

Just a point for clarity, when I talked about trying to let Angelina get back to sleep on her own at 5 months, I did also try what Erin described about trying to let her fall asleep on her own in her crib as well - I had the same results with this. Even the advocates of letting kids fall asleep on their own usually acknowledge that it does not work for all kids.

[sagewinna]

I co-slept with both of mine, and plan to with the one I am expecting.

Both "weaned" from my bed at about 2 1/2- 3. With my first, I had a mattress next to my bed that he slept on at first, then he moved to his own room. With my daughter, she moved into her brothers room and didn't have a problem with it.

Both were always nursed/ cuddled to sleep. They both sleep fine, and fall asleep quickly and on their own. I do not agree that kids need to be "taught" to put themselves to sleep as babies to be able to do it later!

Do it as long as it feels right for you and your family. When you wean from the family bed, do it like weaning from the breast: Gently and with love.

[Bette]

Joby used to nurse to sleep in our bed and then we'd transfer him to his cot right next to us and he was happy. Now age nearly 2, at 7pm he's at the bottom of the stairs jumping and shouting until we unlock the stairgate and he can climb the stairs and go to bed where he sleeps until 7am 9 times out of 10. I've no idea why he loves his bedroom so much, but I would have been perfectly happy if he was still in bed with us - I think he just likes his independence!
What I wanted to say was do whatever you like for as long as you're all happy with it. If you're all sleeping well and enjoying yourselves, fine, but if you're walking around like a zombie then you have to change things. It sounds like you're all happy with the situation and things will change naturally should they need to. Relax!

[VOW]

My daughter slept with me for about a year. The kid would NOT sleep in her crib! I could nurse her and rock her until she was as limp as cooked spaghetti, and as soon as she sensed me leaning over her bed to lay her down, her eyes would pop open. My husband was stationed overseas, and I had to be at work early in the morning, so in order for both Baby and me to get some sleep, she slept next to me in my bed.

I hurt my back when she was about four months old. The ONLY way I could care for her was to take her to bed with me.

My son, however, wanted HIS BED. I would nurse him and rock him, and he'd wiggle and fuss. I knew he was tired! One night I told him, "Look, Kid, I've got WORK to do! I'm going to just put you in bed!"

He instantly fell asleep. In fact, he was so quiet, I had to check on him several times! I learned that he wanted his evening meal, and then at 7 PM, he wanted BED.

Each child has his or her own personality and own needs. If the Family Bed works for you, great, use it! And don't let anyone try to tell you how "wrong" it is.

If someone gives you grief, tell him or her to come on over at 2 AM and take care of the Baby so you can get some rest!

(P.S. My daughter is 20 years old now, and she sleeps FINE in her own bed....and she has for years!)


~VOW

[jewels]

So I suppose every child is different, some need the comfort of mommys warmth and others need there own independence. I just feared that with something like this there is a thin line between giving my child a sense of security and making her too depended. Thats why I was wondering about what age would be best to do it, but I guess I'm going to go with the flow for now and around 1 and a half to 2 I will try to direct her to sleeping in her own bed. I think my relationship with her daddy can take it cause I do get to get a few hours alone with him at night if I try really hard. Thanks to everyone that has responded and anyone else that would like to for that matter. Its been very helpful for this worry wart of a mommy.

[VOW]

If your daughter is only 7 months old, I wouldn't worry!

She will be taking naps in her own bed, and soon she will like the idea of being "a big girl" and sleeping in a bed of her own.


~VOW

[veganmama]

My son is 2.5 years old and still doesn't sleep through the night. He has slept through the night before, but never for any extended period of time. He falls asleep on his own, in his own bed for naps and for the night, but still wakes up 1-2 times. If he comes into our bed he INSTANTLY falls back asleep. I think nursing him for almost 26 months bonded him to being near me, for comfort. He self weaned when I was almost 9 weeks pregnant (and am now almost 28 weeks). I look at it this way, time is flying. How long will he really want to cuddle with his parents? It is very hard to hear a walking talking pleading toddler crying he wants to sleep in our bed without just taking him in. Sometimes he drives me crazy tossing and turning, so I carry him back to his bed, but he always comes in to our bed in the morning. We are a really close family, and he is very independent. I wish he slept better for himself, but if he needs his mommy then he can have her. VM

[sophie]

I just wanted to agree with Christa on the point of children learning how to get to sleep by themselves. My two older children did this naturally at around 2 years of age also. There is a popular method here in New Zealand called the "sleep program" which basically means you let your child cry themselves to sleep until they learn how to fall asleep by themselves. I know people who have done this and had success, but I have always found it harsh and personally would not do it. It is usually recommended that you wait until your child is at least one year old also. When I weaned my children off night feeds me or their dad used to lie down with them and sing and cuddle them for a while till they fell asleep. But when they were about 2 they were able to understand about going to sleep by themselves and it happened amazingly easily.

[Fiona]

We moved our daughter out of our bed and into her own bedroom when she was 2. This seemed like the right time as by now she wriggled around a lot in her sleep and took up a lot of room (I hardly had any!). A real plus point at making the change at this age was that we could reason with her and 'sell' her the idea of having her own room. The transistion went very smoothly. She's now 3 1/2 and occasionally wakes up wanting to sleep with us at night, in which case she goes to the spare room with her dad as our 2 month old is now in our bed.

By the way, I have read that co-sleeping is likely to create an independent, rather than a dependent child - I would agree with that.


Fiona

[5xblessed]

All my kids were different on this. I did co-sleep with all 5 while they woke at night to eat. I put a porta-crib in our room. After they fell asleep with me I moved them to the porta-crib. That way if they woke I had to go about 2 steps. They all sort of wanted to sleep on their own about 1 1/2 to 2. Sometimes the 2 or 4 year old still wake up from a dream or something. They just haul a blanket into our room and sleep on the floor there. Play it by ear and watch your baby. You'll know when the time is right.
Lisa

[frenchie]

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/t071000.asp

Here is some great info on co-sleeping. You can actually email Dr. Sears directly to ask his advice about when to wean your child from the family bed. I believe him and his wife do it between age 2 and 4.

[lactomom]

We have a family bed that we share with our two girls. Serra is almost three and has not yet mentioned the idea of having her own bed. When we moved into the house we are currently in, about 3 months ago, we suggested the idea of having her own bed. We have a twin and a full size bed. For a few weeks we had the twin bed seperated and it was 'her' bed, Dh always ended up with her so we finally just decided to embrace the family bed. I really do love sleeping as a family. I don't know when it will change. I hope not for a long time. ;) As soon as either girl wants their own bed we will do that for them. We are letting them have their own clock of independence. There is no rule here or abroad that anyone has to sleep alone ever. My advice is to go with the flow.:D

[Yarrow]

Our family loves cosleeping! My husband and I have been sharing our kingsized bed with our two children since their births. My daughter is now 5 years old and my son is 2 and still nursing. This arrangement works for us for several reasons. I find that I get the best night's sleep since I don't need to get up to nurse. My children get the best night's sleep because mom and dad are right there. I also think that they are learning good bed-sharing habits. My husband and I have plenty of cuddle time in the living room after the kids are in bed. I highly recommend the book "The Family Bed" by Tine Thevenin for information about this subject. We intend to move out daughter to her own bed whenever she and/or we desire it. She is able to go to sleep on her own with no problem. I am very glad we chose cosleeping for our family as it feels so right to us.

[Christa]

Hey Renee, it is nice to see another Coloradoan here, although you are on the opposite side of the state from me - we're in Ft. Collins. My younger daughter, Tessa, still rubs one of my moles near my shoulder blade for comfort when she is sad or tired - kind of like the belly button thing. She used to do that when she was nursing, too. It is a tad irritating, but I'm sure that she'll give it up eventually.

[Teejay]

I can't make statements about anyone else's children, but I can tell you about mine.

My first child (now 12) would not sleep in her crib, no matter what I did. I had read the Tina Thevenin book too and liked the ideas about the family bed, and found that we could sleep well and through the night if she slept in the bed. She stayed there till about 2 years of age, by which time it had become very stressful and she was finding all transitions difficult. Later (much later, at the age of 10) she was diagnosed bipolar -- so, though it may seem to some that the family bed idea contributed to her inability to go to sleep alone etc, in fact I don't know what else I could have done; she was a very very demanding baby. Sometimes I do wonder though if it contributed in some negative way. She still at 12 has major problems going off to sleep.

(Don't misunderstand me: I am not saying there is a link between bipolar disorder and the family bed -- only that we later found out this is what she has, and I wonder what I could have done along the way to help minimise some of her problems.)

My second child (now 4 months) has always slept soundly in first his bassinet and now his crib; sometimes puts himself to sleep and sometimes needs me to nurse him a while and then place him in there. (If I had done this with my daughter, no matter how soundly asleep she was, she would wake up and scream till she was back in my bed.)

They have entirely different personalities and I think I have just tried to go with how they seemed. I would never let either of them "scream it out" or "cry it out". I think that Dr Sears' ideas are great in principle -- some kids may not need that extra closeness, though. My little boy loves to cuddle and play but simply doesn't seem to have sleep issues.

[VOW]

Please release yourself from any guilt you feel about keeping your daughter in bed with you. Bipolar disorder is a brain chemical imbalance, and however your daughter slept as an infant has nothing to do with it. Look upon it as a physical disability (which it is) and you can understand better how your actions would have no effect.

Truth be told, in ANY brain chemical imbalance situation, STRESS can aggravate it. So by taking your daughter to bed with you and avoiding the screaming tantrum, you were providing her with comfort and security.

And that is ALWAYS a good thing!


~VOW

[Chibit]

Alex is two and we still co-sleep part time. He was 1.5 years old when I finally got him into the beautiful crib I had sitting empty:D I am an AP mommy, so I don't believe in crying it out, so it was tough for me to get him into his bed. The first night I put him in his crib, he cried for a good 30 minutes..but went to sleep. The next night it was for only 10 minutes..then after that he was fine. he now starts out in his bed (this is his first night in a big boy bed:D ) and then wakes at about 3 in the morning and gets in bed with me. He still nurses, so I think that is why he is still crawling into bed with me. I have a feeling that when he stops nursing, he will stop co-sleeping too.

So, my advice, let it happen naturally. You can read your baby. 7 months is still very young! don't hurry them out of the parent bed!

[tina]

My oldest dd slept with us from soon after birth. We never have worried about her being in our bed. I sure don't like to sleep alone...I definitely wasn't going to expect her to. When she was about 3 1/2, we decided to buy a bunk bed for her "room", but would let her decide when she was ready to move, we figured that her and the new baby (now 8 months old) would eventually move into that room together so neither of them ever HAD to sleep alone. Well, she has decided that she wants to be in her bed now (she is 4) ...some mornings she climbs in with us for a bit before getting up, but she sleeps in her bed all the time otherwise.
We will never force our children to grow up faster than they are ready for. And we would NEVER allow our children to cry it out especially at night, the scariest time for them. Don't get me wrong, I know that there are many who disagree, and I do not judge them...this is our families convictions on the matter.
Our society, I feel, is intent on pushing our children out of the nest and into independence too early and they don't know what to do with it. There are many successful people who were raised being close to their parents at ALL times. There are also many societies who believe in cosleeping and extended breastfeeding and other similar schools of thought and have only positive things to show for it...not all of the negative things people talk about in this country.
Some good books on the topic are The Family Bed by Tine Thevenin; The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff; and Nightime Parenting by Dr. Sears.
Sorry if this post sounds condemning...I just feel VERY strongly about it. It is all "said" with peace...
Tina

[vegma]

Right on Tina!

[lunamama3]

i must say...i am endlessly amazed to listen to everyone's personal stories of childrearing. there is such a diverse spectrum of schools of thought represented here and it seems like what everyone's doing is working for them! i know for myself, i am always trying to let my children find their own comfort levels and timing for transitions and sometimes put such a heavy reliance on them getting what they *need* that i ignore what i'm feeling and let myself get stepped on. in the end, i think it's all about balancing everyone in the family's needs together. i think it's important to show our children that we are uncomfortable sometimes too and may need to compromise something so everyone's happy with a situation. that being said, we have the largest king-size bed around and all three of my wee ones and my hubby sleep happily in it together, for the most part. :) it's getting to become a little too crowded these days, so we've begun talking to our two older kids (3&5) about the possibility of them moving into their room which has been a playroom/computer room/guest room, etc. since we moved in 5 years ago. it's important to me to make sure that they're feeling positive about this huge transition and that it's done gradually and with love, as someone put it earlier. i have made it clear that we're starting the transition, but am allowing the necessary time for them to cope with it. i wish you all the best of luck and continued success in raising your babies in such a beautiful respectful way. :)

{{{hugs}}}
lisa

[bachlva]

Ditto Fiona, sagewinna, frenchie & the like.

The Dr. Sears link is a good one.

We co-sleep with DS and will wean him gently when it seems we, as a family, are ready [we are no where near that yet - he is 9 months]. I like the idea of putting a toddler bed mattress on the floor next to our bed as a transition - I know several parents who have done this. We will also keep and 'open door' policy - if he gets scared or needy or whatever, he's welcome to come back with us, with gentle encouragement to sleep on his own as he gets older.

For those with specific sleep problems or needs, I have heard reccommended 'The No-Cry Sleep Solution' by Sears and Pantly.

I would also strongly reccommend against any sleep *training* methods. They are very harsh and teach your baby to 'give up' trying to get your attention at night.

Just my 2cents, of course.

Best wishes! :)