Help!

[addysmom]

My daughter and myself are vegan, but I needed some help with my husband regarding health. He said he'd eat whatever I cooked as long as he didn't have to cook...fine. But he is literally out of control. He bought a MASSIVE bag of premade hamburgers and has been eating two every night after work for about a week now. NOT TO MENTION IT'S MEAT, but each one is like 20 grams of beef fat and 300 calories. He's already got high cholestorol, high blood pressure, the only exercise he gets is mild and work related. He had lost about 20 pounds, (he's 6'4" and 290) but now he doesn't even care anymore. When I try to talk to him he mocks me for not eating meat.

I know he probably feels bad because he is not eating like he should, but feel bad or not, he's a heart attack waiting to happen. I don't know how to handle it anymore. I'd like to throw that stupid bag of meat right out the window (it's still got like 10 left and he wanted me to pick up more buns today). I can't take it anymore!

How can I raise my daughter to be compassionate and healthy when her father is the exact opposite? What happens if we have a boy, who will emulate his father more than me? Am I supposed to sit idlely by while my husband gives himself heart disease?

I've already vowed not to buy any meat/dairy products for him, but he'll just buy it himself. He's led a lifetime of unhealthy eating, he's 31 years old--isn't it time for him to GROW UP!

Help!
Sarah

[vegma]

addysmom, that's a tough one. Its so hard when our loved ones do things that are detrimental to their health ... and set poor examples for our children. If you've provided him with the facts and the healthy food, I don't think you can do anything else for him. But accepting that you can't change him will do wonders for you! I use the serenity prayer ALL the time. If he insists on eating meat, will he consider eating it away from home?

[addysmom]

Hey, what a day to post! I just got my copy of Raising Vegan Children in a nonvegan world! Guess what's in there????!!!!!

Thanks!

[duckie1978]

You need to sit him down and talk with him. When he decided to become a parent he accepted the job of a role model and now he needs to act like one. Your daughter (and any future kids) need to see that both of you care about the food that you put into your body. This isn't a meat issue, it is a healthy diet issue. You are right your husband's health should be a concern for him *if only* to make sure that he is around in the long run. Have you tried talking to his doctor about it? If he does have high cholesterol and BP maybe his doctor can give him a "push" to get his eating habits better.

Sorry to be so morbid but my father had to have triple bypass surgery after his heart stopped beating when I was 17. It was on his 60th birthday. The three artieries were so clogged they were blocked completely. He used to eat the "meat and potatoes" diet. No veggies except for peas and corn, tons of fatty red meat at every meal, cheese everywhere, and everything else deep fried. The weeks we spent in the ICU and months taking him to cardiac rehab convinced me of the need to eat healthily and how simple it would have been for him to prevent it. By the way this happened only 6 months after he had a bowel resection because he had colorectal cancer. All of this because he wouldn't eat well.

Maybe you can get him to at least eat less fatty meats and sneak in some of the soy meats. My friends parents used to mix Gimme Lean with hamburg to make it healthier. It may not be exactly what you want to hear but you can't force him to eat better unless he wants to. My husband eats like crap too when I am not around (McDonalds!!) and I cannot get it through his head how scared I am to lose him to a stupid thing like his poor eating habits. Best of luck.

[Erin Pavlina]

Could there be a control issue here? Perhaps he doesn't like you "telling him what to do" and so is flaunting the fact that he is eating meat, thus proving he doesn't have to do what you tell him. Does he think you're lecturing or nagging him? Even though you may think that giving him the facts and figures should sway him, it may not work with him if he thinks you're nagging.

Perhaps he'd come around more easily if you found a way to approach the situation such that he didn't feel defensive. Are you guys having arguments about this frequently?

[addysmom]

Well, we had a big long talk last night about this whole issue. I asked him if he was eating all that meat just to "put me in my place" and he said no, that it just sounded good. So I asked him what it was that he wanted to teach our daughter regarding health and eating, being that both of us grew up without REAL knowledge of nutrition. He agreed that he wanted to teach her how to be healthy, but he didn't really know how to do it himself. I think he was feeling that he would not be able to teach her these things and so "screw it", I'll just eat whatever because I don't know what I'm doing.

So, this weekend we are making it a point to eat every meal together and figure out exactly what it is our body needs. He said part of his problem is he doesn't know how to listen to his body. He also needs to get the "how much can I eat and still lose weight?" mentality out of his head, because nutrition is NOT about that. Emotional eating and nutritional eating are two very different things.

He did also agree that it wouldn't help for him to be at odds with me and that we had to be very consitent where our daughter is concerned if we intend not to confuse the heck out of her.

I'll keep ya'll posted!

PS....I'm very impressed, Erin, I JUST send my check in and the book was already here! and to think I waited almost 2 months from my bookstore!

Sarah

[EricP]

Hi Sarah,

You said:

"He said he'd eat whatever I cooked as long as he didn't have to cook...fine. But he is literally out of control. He bought a MASSIVE bag of premade hamburgers and has been eating two every night after work for about a week now. NOT TO MENTION IT'S MEAT"

This may not solve your problem, but I would suggest you STOP cooking meat for him. I don't think it's fair for you (a vegan) to go against your beliefs and to be cooking meat for someone who obviously doesn't care about how YOU feel about the situation.

Another thing I disagree on is the fact that he "mocks me for not eating meat." Your daughter will pick up on what he says, and you will end up looking like the bad guy, or the one who is in the wrong. Please don't let that happen. He's not being a very good role model for your child, and he should see that as a very good reason to reevaluate what he's doing/eating.

You should give him more FACTS about what eating meat does to him... doesn't he want to 'stick around' for your child? There are already so many young men and women (30's and 40's) dying from heart-attacks, etc.... does he really want to be one of
them?

Grrr.... I wish I had more time to reply

Regards,

EricP

[Erin Pavlina]

I'm glad you guys had a good talk. That's an excellent start. Have you also read the article on the site about Mixed Marriages? (http://www.vegfamily.com/vegan-children/mixed-marriages.htm) Might be helpful as well.

Regarding the book - Yep, call me Speedy! :)

The thing with your bookstore is concerning since they never contacted me to order the book. I wonder if they're telling people they ordered it and that it just "hasn't come in yet." :mad:

[addysmom]

I do not cook him meat and never said that I did. I said that HE BOUGHT MEAT AND HAS BEEN EATING IT EVERY NIGHT. He cooked it on the grill himself. I have not gone against my beliefs in any way.

You're right I may come out to look like the bad guy if he continues to mock me, but I conclude from our long talk that he is more confused about what he knows about nutrition than that he was trying to put me down.

He knows meat is bad for him. THere is nothing I can do to educate him any further. I think the other posters here were right when they said there is only so much I can do. I can't force him to give up meat or dairy. He's got the facts, it's up to him to make decisions for himself. The only thing I have to do is make sure that we're consistent with our teachings for our daughter.

thanks for your post, though,
Sarah

[EricP]

Hey Sarah!

I guess I misunderstood what you meant when you said: "He said he'd eat whatever I cooked as long as he didn't have to cook". To me it sounded like he DOESN'T cook, and eats only when you cook something for him. :rolleyes: Sorry.

I didn't even realize that you had made another post just before mine until after my post was put up... so now that I know you two had a nice talk, I wish I could take back some of what I said.

Good luck! I hope he chooses what's right for your daughter.

Regards,

EricP

[VOW]

In my husband's family, diabetes runs rampant. He's also had some nursing training, so he KNOWS how important a good diet is. He could also stand to lose some weight, as well.

I'm not going to sit on him and MAKE him eat properly, though. Since I started eating Vegan, I do make sure there is a much more healthy selection in the house, and he is always welcome to share whatever food I fix.

But what to do with a man who skips meals on the weekends, and then pigs out on massive amounts of meat and fried foods, and downs it all with gallons of soda?

I make sure the life insurance premiums are paid up. And God willing, he'll get the OPPORTUNITY to have a triple bypass (instead of dropping dead at his first heart attack, like too many people do) and THEN I can bully him into a more healthy lifestyle.

The fact is, you cannot MAKE anyone do something. You can only react to how THEY behave. Lord knows, there are enough battlegrounds in a marriage already! My advice is to make sure the healthy foods are readily available, and offer to share the meals that you prepare. Other than that, your husband is an adult, and ultimately he is the one who controls what goes into his mouth.



~VOW

[Kristine]

The very important thing in ANY relationships is - the 'air' in the relationships. Every person involved creates his/her own 'air' - positive, negative, angry, cheerful, gloomy, happy..... And the 'air' which is the strongest dominets the relationship. So - as I read your post, it is obvious that your husband creates a bit depressive, a bit tight, a bit angry 'air' that dominate in your relationship. And YOU HELP HIM to do that - because you let this 'air' dominate and you also help it to be so when you lose your temper, when you talk to him with desperation to persuade, to force to accept your opinion. Taking into account that he knows everything about bad eating habits and consequences - it seems that he might have some inner conflict about eating habits because of what he hasn't got inner harmony. If he mocks you - that might be a result of his own inner struggle.
I think you can do very much for him - let your 'cheerful' and 'positive' 'air' dominate your relationship! It might be VERY HARD, because you'll have to struggle your own emotions or feelings, but if you love him you'll manage.
Here are some things that might help
- do not 'preach' him about veganism (as he already knows everything about it) instead of it LIVE according to vegan principles. And what is vegan principles? Compassion, love, positive attitude....
- make vegan information available for him (if you leave vegan books and magazines in available places he might read it while you do not see - many people are not ready to accept acceptable things if somebody else 'teaches' them, but they accept it very easy if they learn about that themselves
- put your soul into the most delicious vegan dishes you cook! Nicely decorated table, dishes that smell and look and tast awfully good can 'tempt' him and make forget those stinky greasy dead animals burgers. In Latvia we have a saying that men's love develops in his stomack. So the better the man is 'fed' the more he loves you :)
- think about physical activities for all the family - jogging, biking, camping, hiking... Physical activities make a great impact on person's mind - they reduce stress and make onself more positively thinking
- if you go somwhere out of town to see the nature or just camping make vegan lunch packs and snacks to take with you
- and the most important (and somethimes the most difficult) - be a cheerful, compassionate and loving wife and mother. Tell him you love him! Point out the good things he is doing and let him know you appreciates!
- AND DO NOT SPOIL IT ALL by saying something like "oh, dear, look how nice and good is vegan food" because he will immediately take his 'position of defence' Not because he actually wanted it but because of .... human nature.
Be smart and love your family and yourself!
Good luck!