vegan mommy vs kids at school...

[tricia]

hey everyone ...jus wanted some thoughts about somethin that happened today with my daughter and her schoolmates at lunch today......

She came home in a mood after school (had somethin to do with getting up at 5am to watch cartoons..but thats a whole other thread..) anyways so she goes and lays down... i unpack her lunch bag and find a big brick of yellow gross american cheese from one of those lunchable meals with one bite in it.... to say the least mommy was not a happy camper...

when she woke up i asked her why i found it and why she ate it...she said her little friend gave it to her... then i ask her are you supposed to be eating cheese.. and of course looks down in shame and says no... i tell her to lift her head nicely cuz i wasnt mad at her... she goes on to say "we dont eat cheese cuz its made from animals"... im ok ...then we wont eat again and went over what to say to her friends...and shes ok... she gets ready to walk out the room turns around... and says " i only took one bite it tasted gross and put it in my bag".... so she didnt like it which is a step forward cuz shes used to munching on it... i didnt want her ashamed tho... i told her we all make mistakes and explained it to her why we dont eat cheese...im thinking i need to talk to her teacher and ask her to keep an eye on her and make sure she isnt eating cheese etc in class...

i know kids trade food for lunches so maybe 2morrow i will pack xtras and have her share them ... but i dont want my daughter ashamed...should i have just let it alone? i dont know if i handled it properly... also im worried her teacher even tho she is nice might say something to the whole class and make her feel weird ... i dunno know... any thoughts?

[Erin Pavlina]

Yeah, I have some thoughts on this...

1. Definitely bring it up with your kids, like you did. It's important to catch these things as they come up so you can remind her.

2. Don't make them feel bad (you did good there). Just tell them, "Oopsie, you weren't supposed to eat that were you?" Don't sweat the small stuff. The fact that she didn't like it is excellent.

3. I tell my 3 year old that if she's not sure that something is vegan not to eat it. I also tell her that the other kids are not vegan and that she shouldn't eat anything anyone gives her if it wasn't in her lunchbox or the teacher didn't approve it.

The other day I walked in to see a plate of cheese puffs in front of my child at lunch. I was horrified, until she picked up one of the puffs and said, "Mommy, this isn't vegan. Dont' eat it!" She was just showing me. I was so proud.

But there's a really high chance that our kids are going to accidentally eat non-vegan food when they are too young to know better. Just let it go and keep on keeping on.

I also tell Emily that if she eats non-vegan food she might get a tummy ache. She has more incentive to avoid it at that point. Might help!

[tricia]

Erin,

Thanks for the info... Because dairy does give her a tummy ache i do tell her...but that little amount didnt ....she thinks she is also 15 yrs old and tells me it didnt give her a tummy ache... there was a long conversation ensuing since she is very stubborn like me....

i dont know whether to say anythin to her teacher since its only been one incident... and i know she probably cant watch them all the time... since shes been off dairy i dont want her to regress and start trying to eat it and getting sick...

she does tell people we r vegetarian....but whether these kids even know what that is is another story... and from what ive seen she is either lactose intolerant or allergic to dairy... and since i just outed all dairy instead of taking the dr's advice and put her on lactose free milk and those pills i dont know which one...which i dont care becuz there are many other reasons why we r vegan....

She did enjoy the Meatrix last night... i dont know if it was too smart to let her watch it..but since the comp is in the living room she did....

[xmysticprincessx]

Tricia-
i read in a different post about your daughter having all the toubles with dairy. Maybe if you wrote a note to the teacher and possibly included some medical records about her allergy to dairy, the teacher would be more likely to keep an eye out then if you just said its a personal choice because you are vegan that she does not eat dairy. (I wouldn't get a doctor's note since he would probably just say give her those lactose pills before lunch or to have them on hand "just in case.") Maybe you could word it a little differently and don't mention being vegan but say that you are vegetarian and she does not drink any dairy products because she is lactose intolerant. If the teachers and lunch monitors find out she has an allergy, they will keep a hawk's eye on her. (Think about all those kids with peanut allergies who eat lunch with everyone else in the cafeteria.) Caregivers are MUCH more worried about a kid getting sick in front of all the other kids because of a food alergy, possibly calling 911, and then having to explain to a parent why they have to come to school or the hospital immediately than they are about letting a kid eat a "normal" food that their parents refuse to feed them. (Because you know, we NEED to drink dairy or else we wouldn't get calcium or protein!!! And all that fake food just looks funny! And it HAS to taste gross... Like eating cardboard...)

I am not a parent, but I was a teacher last year, and I have seen other teachers bend over backwards over a medical allergy or something like that. But when people brought in goodies to share in the Teacher's Room, what did they bring? Donuts, cakes, pies, etc. Basically they knew I was vegan but forgot or didn't care that I couldn't have it. (And they were always like, what CAN you eat??? No wonder you are so small/thin!!!)

[tricia]

Xmystic,

I have told her teacher and the front office that we are vegetarian by choice and she is to refrain from dairy due to an allergy... so ive used that line already... i talked to her teacher this morning when the bell rang cuz khaila woke up saying her tummy hurt... and i told her that another kid gave her some cheese and reminded her khaila has an allergy...the teacher was like "this is why i tell them not to share snacks, but she will keep an eye out"... i do not blame her teacher completely.... i also made sure i had a long discussion with my daughter....

i know this may be the first time but feeling it wont be the last....

[xmysticprincessx]

Good luck with this. I really thought the allergy thing would do it. A couple years ago, I substitute taught in 2nd grade. There was a boy who was deathly allergic to peanuts. EVERYTHING had to be checked for peanuts, and I think everyone in the school knew about his allergy. (There were even special snacks on hand for this little boy if a parent accidenly brought in something with peanuts.) Well, they had Oreos for a snack one day, and this other kid turnes over to the allergic kid and says, those cookies have peanuts in them. The allergic boy's face fell, and he put his cookie down. Immediately, a teacher's aid came over, told the allergic boy that there were no peanuts in his cookies and that he was ok, and then reprimanded the other boy about how its not nice to joke about that.

I guess it all depends on the teacher and the school district. I wish I had more advice on what to do with the teachers. Sometimes talking to some of them is like talking to a wall. Your best bet is probably to continue talking to your daughter. Or, maybe she will just learn if she gets enough tummy aches.

Sorry I cant be of more help.

[tricia]

We shall see if my little discussion with my daughter and teacher have worked.... Its bad enuff my daughter is made becuz she can live off PB& J sandwiches and she cant bring anything to school with nuts in it at all... No soy nuts nothing.. it kinda sux...but i always give her good food... and she can her have sandwiches here.... i think all 4 yr olds want to survive on peanut butter...

[sophie]

I think you handled the whole thing really well, Tricia, especially when talking to your daughter. Recently we were at a birthday party/ BBQ and there were tons of people and lots going on, and my 4 and a half year old took a bite of a sandwich that she thought was vegan but wasn't... it was totally my fault, I hadn't even seen them on the kid's table and had told them what was vegan but had not seen the sandwiches... so anyway, next minute Lily is crying her heart out, totally devestated, she knew as soon as she had a bite that it wans't vegan, and it was just awful. I didn't care that she had had some cheese- I was just worried that she thought she'd done something so bad. Of course I was just hugging her and telling her she did nothing wrong, but she was so horrified, she had all this guilt about having some non-vegan food. (Ok, now this has turned into my own story! ) Anyway, i was impressed by the way you told your daughter she'd done nothing wrong. I never want my kids to feel bad if they have a slip-up. But I find it so hard- it is such a burden for them to have that guilt. It is the first time I've encountered a feeling like this in 7 years of vegan parenting. Not that I'd ever change our diet (my kids would refuse to eat dairy if I asked them to!), but I just hope I haven't given them a hard road to travel. They are such great children, and how can I stop them feeling bad in a situation like this?

[VOW]

Your daughter may have gotten the impression because she ate cheese, she personally was responsible for the mistreatment of the cow at the dairy.

In a non-stressful situation, have one of those little mom-and-daughter chats about the Vegan choice. Tell your DD that you want to serve as an example, so others can see for themselves what Vegan means. Perhaps one day, there will be no dairies where people take the milk from the mommy cows and give it to people to eat and drink. If perhaps you accidentally eat some cheese or drink something with milk in it, that doesn't mean you hurt the cow yourself. When you say "No thank you" if someone offers you cheese, the farmer isn't going to open up the barn door and let one cow run free.

Our goal, as Vegan people, is to represent the choice to others, so they can one day make the same choice themselves. As more and more people choose it, then one day all the farmers will open up the barn doors and let the cows run free.



~VOW

[sophie]

VOW- yeah, I think that is exactly why she got so upset, she thinks that means she must have hurt an animal. Sometimes it is hard having such compassionate kids! I suppose I wouldn't change that for the world. It's just that my daughter is extremely sensitive, and that incident just made me feel so bad for her. I have had those kinds of chats with my children and they are well aware of why we are vegan etc. I guess for me, if I accidentally eat something non-vegan, I just deal with it and move on. For many years I ate dairy and meat so it's not as alien to me as it is to my children, who have never had it. To them the idea is incredibly weird and disgusting, plus they have that child innocence which really can't comprehend why people would want to eat animals. Anyway, it just about broke my heart seeing her react like that, but I don't know how I would have wanted her to react, come to think of it.

[sarahrose]

sophie- isn't it beautiful how compassionate and caring children are when they are allowed to develop that part of themselves? I see so many parents lying to their kids about where their food comes from, because they know the children would not eat it if they knew it contributed to an animal's suffering. Imagine if all children were allowed to be as caring as your daughter (and mine). We would have some great world leaders to look forward to!

[sophie]

Sarahrose- yes, it really is a beautiful thing, and I hope it carries forward into adulthood also. I don't know if any others have found this, but my children are also peacemakers, and they never once have hit another child or used physical 'violence' (can't think of a more appropriate word, but you know what I mean) of any kind. My older son and daughter do argue, I think that's normal, but there has never been any hitting. Other parents tell me this is unusual, and I do remember a lot of hitting and pinching with my own siblings, so am wondering if it is an offshoot of the vegan compassionate side that they have? Anyone else experienced this?

[sarahrose]

My daughter is also a 'peace maker'. She gets deeply concerned if she sees kids hurting each other. Also, she cries if any of her insect 'friends' get smashed. We have a very destructive neighbor boy who just today dug up her strawberry plant and was stabbing the acorn she planted in a pot. She was very upset and could not understand why he would wan't to hurt her plants. I really think this is an offshoot of vegan compassion. The above mentioned boy is a meat- Mc. donalds-video game- T.V kid, so that says it all!

[annie7]

Like "Sid" from Toy Story! Man, do I NOT like that kid, and so many act like that in real life. It's too sad to be funny.

[sarahrose]

Exactly!!! His parents got him a rabbit for easter ( I hate that!!!) and he was so mean to it and tortured it so much that they just got rid of it- a mercy to the poor rabbit- but no effort was made to teach him that animals have feelings, and that it's cruel to hurt them. I see him torturing his dog all the time and am seriously considering calling the SPCA. The parents don't even care when their dog (who was like their baby before they had their son) is screaming in pain and trying to get away! Does anyone know a polite way to approach parents of a child like this about his destructive behavior? I would feel bad asking them to not bring him around my house or daughter anymore, but they refuse to accept his sadistic actions, and I feel I need to shelter my daughter from this. The boy is only 31/2! Imagine him as an adult!

[annie7]

I'm trying to get some sites together with info for you with the help of a virtual friend, but in the meanwhile, better to have hurt feelings than a physically hurt daughter! Keep that kid away from her! Have her be conveniently "unavailable" for play time if you want to be vague. Or, if you want to be blunt so there's no mistaking your meaning, say, " I find the abusiveness of your son toward other living creatures startling, and do not wish for my daughter to think I condone that behavior by allowing her to keep company with him. Further, I don't wish her to become desensitized to any creature's suffering by repeatedly exposing her to it."

[sarahrose]

Thanks! I loved your "blunt" explanation, but I am probably too chicken to say that- I guess for now I'll just be vague!

[tricia]

It's quite scary that at 3 1/2 he would even be like this... my daughter even when we werent vegan would never hurt an animal... she tortures our cat but in a loving manner...lol... but if she ever badly hurt the cat i think she would freak out...we see dead animals on the street that have been struck by cars before.. mainly squirrels and she cries everytime...

sometimes its scary there are parents that allow their child to behave in such a manner... like said before... whats he gonna be like as an adult.... im scared.... :eek:

[duckie1978]

You can anonymously complain to the police and the ASPCA about the treatment of animals. If he is acting like this at 3 1/2, man, his parents are in for A LOT later in life, like serial killer trouble! After all, it has been proven again and again, children who abuse animals grow up to become adult criminals.

[annie7]

I was thinking the SAME thing. I just wish I could go be "blunt" for Sarahrose, to 1: let those people know about their kid from the perspective of an observer...2: stand up with Sarahrose so she doesn't feel out numbered or alone in her silent battle....and 3: keep that mean kid away from her daughter or any other unsuspecting child crossing his path!