When to let go...

[Jenica]

The Children's Choice thread has brought me to the question, "How do you know when your child is ready to make these sorts of decisions for themself?" My husband and I (who plan to raise vegan any children we have), have discussed this in depth and still cannot find answers. Is it different when you're a parent? Do you have an intuitive sense of when your child is ready to make certain sorts of decisions? Can you base it on their actions?

My dh and I are having a difficult time with this particular issue in theory (and I'm sure we would so much the more if we had kids of an age to worry about it!). He and I were both raised by very overprotective parents who didn't know how to pick their battles, who said no to everything, and who had no sense of how to foster growth or self-reliance in us. We're terrified of making the same mistakes by raising our children vegan. Any suggestions?

[VeganEternity]

I have a 3 yo boy. I have been thinking about this a lot also. If you planted all the seeds, your children shouldnt want to eat meat. Its just logical not to, with all the disease and problems that come with meat, not to mention all the suffering. When my kid finally asks me why we dont eat meat I am going to sit him down and teach him, why. Then I will give him the choice, and hopefully he will make the rite one. Thats all we can do.

[Erin Pavlina]

How do you know when your child is ready to make the decision for himself. Technically, you don't have control over that. After all, when teenagers decide to have sex, they probably don't consult their parents. I have to guess that deciding to eat meat is much the same. In fact, they may hide it from you. Don't be surprised.

It's all about the foundation you lay and the example you set. We don't want our kids to eat meat, do drugs, drink alcohol, have sex too early, smoke cigarettes, etc. The same way in which you'll teach them not to smoke is the same methods you'll use for teaching them to steer clear of meat.

In the end though, you have no control. They'll make their choice when they're ready.

[vegma]

Jenica, you bring up a good point! I'm not ready to give my just-turned-4yo a choice yet, and so far it hasn't presented itself as an issue. A vegan mom of adult children graced our boards for a short time and I was impressed with her attitude. Half of her kids rejected the vegan lifestyle in adulthood, but she sets up a special grill for them when they come over to eat. But I can see how this would be difficult, if not impossible, for some people. Having only been vegan for 3 years (dairy-free for four!), I'm still finding my way... I'm interested in others experiences!

[Jenica]

Erin, those are very good points. Perhaps I should rephrase my question. At what point do you stop asking people who may be preparing food for your children to abstain from including meat and/or dairy in those foods? While your four-year-old may not care a whit if you ask this of the parents of the friend at whose house they're sleeping over, is it still ok to do this for your eight-year-old? And how do you know? Hopefully you have laid the ethical groundwork with them regarding eating animal products, yes.

But children are by nature curious and experimental, like you said...if we go to a family function and my child wants to try the cheese (or heaven forbid, the meat!), do I just explain why Dad and I don't eat these things, talk with them about how they're harmful to animals and let them decide entirely, even when they're three or four?

My mother tells me I was a very independent kid, from the time I was two all the way till I left home. Surely I would have snuck cheese and meat if someone told me I couldn't or shouldn't have them but most of the adults around me consumed them. I guess my question is...how do I prevent my children from feeling the need to do these things behind my back (at least when they're little)?

[Erin Pavlina]

That's a good question.

When a child is young, you should prevent them from eating things you believe will harm them. At what age does that stop? I don't know. When I was 10 I begged my father for a sip of beer. My father never drank, the only reason there was beer in the house was because he was hosting a get together for some basketball coaches. anyway, point is, I had never seen beer and wanted to know what my dad was drinking. He gave me a tiny sip and it was disgusting. I've hated beer my whole life.

Sometimes a child will eat a little meat or cheese and hate it, or have a tummy ache. In my mind, that's a good thing.

Tony Robbins tells the story of how he used to beg his mom to let him try drinking. Finally one day she sat him down and said, "Alright, you're so interested in drinking, here is a six pack. But if you open even one of those cans, you MUST drink all six." He was so excited. Drank one, hated it. Mom forced him to drink the rest. He got sick and never drank beer again.

Probably not a great example, but I wonder if the same thing would work for meat and dairy products. Has anyone out there seen their vegan-from-birth child eat some meat or dairy products and get sick?

As for when to stop telling adults to avoid giving your kid meat and dairy products... I say never stop telling them that! Even if your kids decide to eat the meat, you can still make your wishes on the subject known. :)

[sophie]

Really, I am just going with the flow on this issue. My oldest (vegan since conception!) is now 7 and I will continue to ask people to serve him vegan food until he tells me to stop. What I mean is, Jasper is totally cool with veganism and has never shown any desire to eat meat or dairy. The idea of meat absolutely disgusts him, and things like gelatine he just can't understand why people would consider consuming it. He hasn't been conditioned to think it's normal, so he sees others' eating habits as odd, not his own. If he was the kind of child who had a really hard time being vegan, and if he was begging me to let him eat dairy when he went to a friend's house, or whatever, then I would seriously have to reevaluate things, probably have to sit down as a family and discuss it. In that situation, if he hated being vegan etc, then maybe we could come to a compromise. I'm guessing if that happens, it won't be for a while, maybe when he's a teenager. (I'm thinking more of dairy here, I just can't see him wanting to try meat). I know some people here have children who want to eat dairy and so have compromised, I guess the decision has so far been made for me in that Jasper has never asked to try dairy. I think every child and every situation is different, Jenica, so try not to worry too much. When the time comes, I think you'll know what to do. Before I had children I always thought birthday parties would be the most traumatic thing, and would lie awake thinking about all these scenarios that pretty much have never happened, only to find other challenges that I never forsore.

[Jenica]

Thank you, ALL of you, for your wise words and strong hearts. We, as vegans, deal with some very challenging issues and some heartbreaking sights almost every day of our lives. I find it so refreshing to come to this community with my fears and my pain and come away feeling clean. With your support and reassurance, I feel ready to conquer the world (or at least my housework *giggle*)! Thank you again, it means so much to me to know that you're here.

Jenica

Mama at heart if not yet in person. :)