Parenting Tips with Melanie Wilson

Melanie Wilson is vegan mom to Kalli MacKenzie. She is the owner and editor of Vegetarian Baby and Child Magazine (www.vegetarianbaby.com), a writer, educator, and researcher. She is currently working on her first book on vegetarian parenting. Her articles have been published on iParenting.com, MomsOnline.com, and will soon appear at VegDining.com. She is also an accredited La Leche League Leader.

Question:

How would you handle an opinionated "meat-eating" mother-in-law, who constantly implies that my daughter is not receiving adequate protein in her vegetarian diet, that fish would make her smarter (that made me really angry because she is as smart as they come!), and generally implies that a vegetarian diet is an unhealthy one? My daughter is bright, healthy, happy and active.

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Answer:

As you point out, your daughter is a beautiful, healthy example of veganism. That in itself speaks far more than any argument I could arm you with to counter your mother-in-law's obstinate nature. Chances are you've probably already tried to convince her that you believe this to be the very best way to raise a child, that you truly believe in your vegan lifestyle and that experts are there to back you up on your nutrition standpoint. And chances are that she just doesn't want to hear it.

It's sad to say that family members are often the ones to hurt us the most with their words. They know just how to push our buttons, just what to say to make us feel inadequate. It sounds like the issues here go even further than just raising your daughter as a vegan; this woman sounds determined to undermine your parenting skills. Let's look deeper and ask why she might consciously or subconsciously give you such a hard time.

First, she loves her grandchild, and she wants her to be healthy and happy, the same as you do. The conflict arises when the path to that end is completely different from what she knows and understands or has experienced. Each time you make a choice that is contrary to what she would've chosen in your place, she experiences two things: lack of control and insecurity in her own life choices. She is first reminded that she is not the foremost authority in her grandchild's life, and like it or not, she has to bow to your wishes as the mother. Sometimes, just your role as daughter-in-law, usurper of the #1 woman position in her son's life, is enough to make this lack of control a bigger issue than it needs to be. You can help by respecting her opinions and experience and openly thanking her for advice whenever you can.

Your unique choices also serve to show her that hers is not the only way in the world, and hers may just not be the best way either. None of us like to feel like that! By choosing a totally different path in raising your children, you are, in effect, disagreeing with how she raised her children and how she lives her life. Even if you aren't radical about pushing your beliefs on others and don't act superior, others may feel the need to criticize or argue. Sadly, many people will feel a sudden sense of insecurity around you just knowing you are vegan. Don't people feel compelled to tell you how they really don't eat meat very often? It's a phenomena that arises out of guilt, whether or not they really agree with what you're doing. I believe that just because we've chosen a life path that is so radically different causes others to question their own beliefs. That can be quite uncomfortable, especially for those who are set in their ways.

I know this doesn't tell you much about how to "handle" your mother-in-law. My advice is, don't feel like you have to handle people when it comes to your veganism. It is their responsibility to determine how they want to interact with you and your children. You can, likewise, choose to allow anger to well up inside you, or you can look at for what it is, and move on. You may even choose not to interact with some people. Like I said before, you are the mother, and in some situations, you'll just have to assert your right to make the decisions for how your child will be raised--regardless of what others say or think. It may help you to understand where her angry comments are coming from, and it might even benefit you both to let her know gently that she's really hurting your feelings. Some people think it's OK to routinely criticize others and are genuinely surprised when they discover they've been hurtful.

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